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Why do i need validation from guys

Some of us care way too much about what other people think of us. We could all learn to care a little bit less about the opinion of others. You march to the beat of your own drum. You do things your way, and people either love that quality in you, or they hate it. It seems as if nothing gets you down.

SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: How To Stop Seeking Validation From Outside of Self--How to Reprogram Your Mind

13 Ways To Stop Seeking The Approval Of Others & Feel Super Confident

As I progress into my young adult life, and further, into my womanhood, I find myself more and more aware of the need to be validated in my every day, whether in the workplace, academically or socially. I can only speak from personal experience, but hopefully by writing this I can begin to uncover the truths of my experiences. What I know is that, through various conversations I have had with fellow women, the feeling of needing to be validated is not a singular experience. Seeking validation in men, and not finding what it is I expect or think I want and need, can be disparaging when trying to cultivate a fulfilled and empowered self.

I have always felt this strong sense of competition growing up. This, in itself, is an evident and deep-seated form of ingrained, internalised misogyny, wherein we are taught to fight against each other and for the attention of men. I have seen this time and time again, whether in social interactions at school or in friend groups, and even online through performative practices on various social media platforms.

This from a young age, instils a reminder to many girls that it is through competition, rather than working together towards a common goal, that we will be afforded worth or value. Additionally, I have been taught that I must work twice as hard to be afforded the same attention and praise as men, which is especially hard in a post-secondary setting. I find these settings privilege the voices of, predominantly, cis white men, enabling them to take up as much space as they like.

If I have only known and seen academic and social validation afforded to men, is it not reasonable that I should seek recognition from them? Evidently, there are various forms in which this phenomenon takes place, but the recurrent take-away is that I must somehow achieve the same level of success or the same privileges that a man is afforded but which I, unfortunately, will never be able to fully grasp.

It feels like a pre-deterministic affair with failure, and so the outcome is failure; failure to accept the self, failure to accept others, failure to feel whole. There are many reasons young girls and women feel this intense pressure to be validated. Often times, there is some type of familial or societal pressure to conform to that teaches us, over and over, that we are to assume a lesser social status.

It is where, as women, we learn that we have no choice but to be submissive. We are taught to submit and be complacent when faced with the opinions of men, if we want to be considered as having worthy ideas or opinions of our own.

During my adolescent years, I often experienced this type of socialisation, and found it particularly significant. I felt dependent on attention or approval from boys my age, and most complete when I received it. If a friend of mine told me I was beautiful or complimented me, but the next moment a boy called me ugly, it is his words that I would consider most valid.

I am desperately trying to understand these systemic structures that constantly destine me for failure, and market men as the only vehicle toward ultimate acceptance of myself. Even if I decide not to settle into a relationship, the concept of not being attached to a man is, at times, still highly stigmatised.

I am ostracised and seen as abnormal for wanting to prioritise myself, or simply wanting to be single. Subconsciously, women believe that men have more power and authority than they do, and whatever the latter says has pre-eminence over what they say, think and believe. As a result, many women will give their power away to men, whereby male approval becomes more important than approval of the self.

Women thus struggle to consider themselves whole, significant and valuable. One of the worst feelings is to be invalidated; we all seek comfort, safety and acceptance.

I can remember very clearly constant feelings of invalidation through my first and only relationship. My solution to fighting against male approval was through learning more about feminism and engaging in feminist praxis.

The constant need for me to feel that I need a man to tell me I am beautiful to feel beautiful, that I am smart in order to feel smart, that I am worthy of love to feel love, is inherently damaging. Coming into my own has been a process. Nevertheless, I will continue to deconstruct societal and patriarchal impositions that have been ingrained in me since childhood.

I will continue to try and find love, acceptance and happiness from myself alone. I will continue to reaffirm myself as worthy of being seen for more than just looks or intelligence, as a complex being. Slowly but surely, I achieve this more and more every day.

I hope more women and men will raise their girls to know what they are worth, and that that is everything. Women are worth everything. They deserve everything and are just as powerful and great as men. Fine Art. Short Fiction. June 8, Columns.

Hey there, I’m Sim

I have a desire to be adored by men. As an adolescent, these expectations ran through my head constantly. Pathetic, right? I felt happy and successful when I had at least one or two guys crushing on me. As a feminist, it pains me to admit that I got so much validation from male attention.

When we get rejected, treated poorly, or someone blows hot and cold in a relationship with us, we often become stuck and fixated on that person. Usually when this happens, our interest in this person turns into a fevered obsession and we go to great lengths to get them to notice us. We will engage in shape shifting behaviours, where we stop being ourselves and try to turn into whatever we think they might like best.

I should be over him, right? I just really want him to see me? How can I stop seeking his validation all the time? Why do I want his attention? Hi Sofia, thanks for sharing.


Trying to figure out how to stop seeking validation was always impossible for me. This crumb would not only save me from myself, but it would invalidate everyone and everything that had ever caused me pain including the cynical audience in my head. Life could finally begin. Validation seeking is a form of perfectionism and perfection is the lowest standard that you can ever hold yourself to. We become perfection-addicted because deep down, we know that we can never be perfect. So what do we do? Must be chosen. Must prove wrong. Must get the cat to bark.


I wrote this in response to a post from David at How to Beast. I had this problem myself for many years. Mainly, you care too much about the opinions of other people. Not only their opinions, but their approval. If you continue down this path of seeking endless validation…you will be easily used and manipulated by others, no better than a puppet on a string.

No matter who you are, dating can be a rough ordeal.

Speak your heart out. Trying to please people will drain your energy. Mark questioned if the food will be good.

I’m in Love. But I Still Crave the Attention of Other Men.

As I progress into my young adult life, and further, into my womanhood, I find myself more and more aware of the need to be validated in my every day, whether in the workplace, academically or socially. I can only speak from personal experience, but hopefully by writing this I can begin to uncover the truths of my experiences. What I know is that, through various conversations I have had with fellow women, the feeling of needing to be validated is not a singular experience.

Whether you're trying to get hundreds of likes on Instagram or hoping to connect with someone on Tinder, sometimes it can seem like our happiness depends on other people in today's society. But there are ways to stop seeking approval of others. The key is to begin with addressing your own thought process. Rather than seeking approval from external influences, try to find true happiness by developing a more stable relationship within yourself. But more to the point, it's unsustainable.

13 Approval seeking behaviours you need to stop

Approval is like a killer drug. It becomes addictive and you quickly develop a need for more. When you have a need for approval you value the beliefs, opinions and needs of others above your own. Their opinion of your is far more important to you than your own view of yourself. Receiving disapproval becomes a painful experience. Your entire decision making processes are eventually taken over by your need for the approval of others. You cannot take any decisive action without their approval. You sacrifice your own dreams and ambitions in order to have their approval.

Jun 14, - And because I can now take care of my own emotional needs and validate myself, I no longer need anyone to tell me who I am or give me an.


The psychology behind seeking validation (and Why YOU need it?)







Comments: 1
  1. Yoran

    I apologise, but I need absolutely another. Who else, what can prompt?

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